I’m practicing my salute in anticipation of our son’s return to the States next year. He was recently promoted to Captain, but we didn’t get to witness his commissioning. He serves our country with other brave men and women in a scary, far-off land that doesn’t specialize in tourism. Yet, this is his second tour there — to try to make a difference.
To me, he’s still our little boy. I know he hates that, and could crush a coconut in the crook of his arm, but he’ll always be that to me — especially now.
I phoned our other son, Captain’s little 6’4-contractor-family-man brother, and asked “What should I send your brother? What gift can possibly express, ‘Congratulations on becoming a Captain!'”
“Send him a box of Cap’n Crunch.”
Brothers are so sappy, aren’t they? And, ingenious.
This inspired me to brainstorm for other resourceful items to commemorate the auspicious occasion. After all, the Captain had sent me this Mother’s Day sentiment :
- Caution! This video will lodge in your head and cause bad-hair dreams.
Also, an ad pops up. Sorry. I couldn’t find the original.
So, here’s my list of TOP TEN THINGS TO SEND A NEW CAPTAIN. You might want to use it — unless you have more cash (and class) than us. And, I know, some of these items will only make him scratch his stubbly head:
10. Captain America Blu Ray (So he gets one gift he can share with his men.)
9. Captain America T-shirt (So everyone will know he’s a Captain, even when he’s wearing civilian clothes.)
8. Captain Kangaroo’s Surprise Party Golden Book (Duh! Because it’s time to party!)
7. Captain America bobble head — Just because…
6. A Captain Jack Sparrow Tribute to the tune of “I Am Your Captain” by Grand Funk Railroad (Two Captains for the price of one.)
5. A YouTube of Captain Kangaroo with Mr. Moose. (Snappy dressers should stick together.)
4. Captain & Tennille YouTube – “Muskrat Love” (In case he starts to hate his job, he can consider what it’d be like to be this captain.)
3. A box of Cap’n Crunch Cereal (Straight. No berries or peanut butter for a real Captain.)
2. A boxed set of Captain Underpants paperbacks. (No explanation required.)
1. Nostalgic pictures of our Captain Underpants (packaged discreetly, so they don’t end up in enemy hands).